The company had an analyst take the 50 largest metro areas in the United States for a statistical comparison, taking into consideration dozens of factors in compiling its health report card--including nutrition, exercise, mental health and something called "life balance"--and churned out a report. The whole point of the exercise is to sell more multivitamins.

The results put San Jose at the top, followed by Washington, D.C., with San Francisco rating third. The Top 10 include three other California regions--Oakland (sixth), Sacramento (seventh), Orange County (eighth)--and San Diego just missed out at 12th.

On the other end of the list sits New Orleans, scoring less than half the survey points of San Jose. Two other cities of note mired in the bottom of the survey are New York (42nd) and Las Vegas (43rd), which is telling. Of all the cities on the list, I've had more fun in those three cities than most anywhere else. I even had a surprisingly good time one day in Cincinnati, which is third from the bottom.

Does living in the healthiest city in the country make all of its residents healthy as well? Can having a house and a job in a particular location make one healthy by default? Fat chance.

Still, I figured I'd better look a little closer at this "health report card" to see what kind of grade I'd get.

The study was broken down into five criteria: mental wellness, lifestyle pursuits, physical activity, health status and nutrition.

Of all the categories, San Jose scored lowest on mental wellness, checking in with 55 out of 100 points. This category took things like stress, unemployment rates and cost of living into consideration. I rated myself higher than the average San Josean in this column because my stress level is fairly low and I have a job. Also, just like everybody else, I could use more money, but the cost of living for me isn't a killer, so I penciled in a 81, which is what Raleigh-Durham got. (Washington, D.C., by the way, rated 100 points in the mental wellness category, which throws the whole report into question, if you ask me.)

For lifestyle pursuits, the survey is looking at vacation days, overtime hours, the amount of money spent on sporting goods and musical instruments, restaurants, theater, dance, opera, amusement parks and pets. San Jose checked in with 93 points, trailing only Seattle and San Francisco. In my younger days, I would have rated myself right up there in the high 90s, but in an honest current assessment, I have to equate my "lifestyle pursuits" score at an embarrassing Fort Lauderdale-like 36.

San Jose scored an 87 for physical activity, as the report tallied dollars spent on gyms, recreation and participatory sports, and how vigorous the community exercises. I go to AVAC in spurts--three days in a row, off for four, back for a couple, miss it for a week--so I'm probably going to be generous, but I'm giving myself a 61, which would put in company with the denizens of Passaic, N.J.

For health status, San Jose tops the list at 100. Our levels of diabetes, hypertension, arthritis, asthma, high cholesterol must be low, as are our levels of smoking and alcohol consumption, as well as the number of doctors and dentists in the city. Since I winced when typing at least two of the above list, I'm going to go sit next to Cleveland-Lorain-Elyria with a 73.

Finally, for nutrition, San Jose scored a respectable 93. Miami's South Beach Diet must be working, because it tallied a perfect 100 points, but Nashville logged a 97. Come on, Nashville? Southern fried Nashville? At least San Francisco and its haute cuisine only measured an 85.

I try to cook healthy, and am continually trying to get the kids to eat well. But when I ask them what they want to eat for dinner, they answer specifically the same way each day: The girl wants noodles with butter and the boy wants hot dogs with ketchup.

When I try to get them to consume a little protein, I have to lie to them and tell them I have cooked dinosaur meat. The boy is partial to roast ankylosaurus, while the girl prefers the more subtle flavors of sautéed Microceratops.

I have cut way down on the amount of meat I eat--be it Jurassic, Petaluman or Nebraskan. But the rush-rush of getting the kids back from school, running errands and all the other chores saps my energy at dinner time, so too many times the kids get their noodles and hot dogs and I eat the leftovers. I figure I am firmly (OK, not so firm, but I do go to the gym for several days in a row every once in a while) in the 69-point Atlanta camp.

So, after tallying up my personal points, it looks like I should be living in No. 16 Portland. Since I don't necessarily want to move, I guess I'll have to start taking multivitamins.

Gregory Watkins, the editor of the Almaden Resident, can be reached at 408.200.1066 or at gwatkins@community-newspapers.com.