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Marketing for the Millennium
The Internet is where the black market and the free market merge
By Brian D. Rossman
Welcome to the new millennium--code-named, "Pure Commerce." The American capitalist system has spent many years peeling away the layers between buyers and sellers in search of The Perfect Transaction: direct dealing with no intermediaries.
Pure commerce, combined with the government's inability to regulate the Internet, has culiminated in the marriage of the black market and the free market. Through capitalism's greatest triumph to date--the Internet!--commercial transactions have now become so efficient that our needs and desires, no matter how illicit or illegal, can be satisfied in a matter of moments.
The following ads are true (some just haven't been published yet).
FOR SALE: One used (not enough according to some), fully reasoning, human central processing unit (CPU); compares favorably to a 286sx; limited time only--includes partially receding carrying case.
Although the sale of a human brain is currently illegal in 12 states and the District of Columbia (where demand is always greater than supply), that has not stopped enterprising young merchants from attempting to sell a kidney and other human contraband on Ebay, the Silicon Valley-based home of the most popular auction site on the Internet.
WANTED: One dictator; preferably mustached; ex-baseball player; stout; practiced at the art of deception; able to rant in a public forum; looks good in guerrilla green.
So you want to lead your country, but campaign finance reform has slowed your efforts? Try a keyword search on "revolution." The results will, no doubt, showcase countless sites devoted to this cause. You can build an army with the best-trained fighters in the land; soldiers of fortune solicited online. Or simply visit the chat room at coup.com for the latest in takeover plots.
How about guns to supply your arsenal? Earlier this year, following a not-so-bogus submission to sell anti-aircraft missiles on its website, Ebay decided to ban the online trading of weapons. However, less scrupulous auction sites have not followed this prohibition.
Maybe war isn't your bag. You're a lover, not a freedom fighter? Marriage, a home and a white picket fence is more to your liking. Find your spouse online. Peruse the litany of personal advertisements for a bride- or husband-to-be.
On second thought, you don't want to rush into anything. You just want to finish school. You already applied and have been accepted through an online process. How are you going to pay? Click. You just received $50,000 in student loans. What about taking real-time classes online? Cyber University is a university that exists only in cyber-space. It has no football team or classrooms, no student body president or mascot; but it's aiming to have its diploma hanging on your wall rather than just sitting in your email.
However, before you can graduate you must pass your courses. Do you need a term paper? Yes! You're in luck. No longer do you need to scan the back pages of Rolling Stone to order a horribly typed thesis. With the Internet, you just provide a credit card, download your term paper, and voila, you are an expert in cultural anthropology with the diploma to prove it.
FOR LEASE: Veteran; Purple Heart medal of valor; three tours in Vietnam.
Why bother spending time on actual accomplishments when you can simply purchase a new identity online? Exaggerate your achievements and back up your claims with evidence that you purchased online.
The Toronto Blue Jays baseball team employed a manager who told tales of his bravery while serving in Vietnam. Unfortunately, someone revealed that he never made it past Long Beach, Calif., as a training officer. One local federal magistrate, who at seminars and functions told the gripping account of his brother's shooting death as an inspiration for his life's calling, was forced to admit that he had appropriated the story to further his career.
END OF SEASON SALE: Get your online prescriptions for Viagra, Propecia, Xanax.
Why is Congress spending our tax dollars evaluating certain prescription benefits in managed health care? Everyone knows that you can obtain any regulated or unregulated drug on the World Wide Web. The best part is that one can do so legally. Instant online 'scripts are advertised on a variety of sites. The Hippocratic oath is no match for the online revolution.
Thanks to the Internet's disintermediation, the previously prohibitive transaction costs of connecting buyer and seller have been eliminated.
PRICES SLASHED! Satirical Silicon Valley columns; some on point, some skewed; usually a Fry's or Bill Gates reference gratuitously tossed in. If interested, contact Brian Rossman at bdrlaw@bigfoot.com.
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Campbell, California
