Members of Bay Area Friends are not U.S. Census workers, but they like counting people.

They count people to make the point that they have something in common with at least 45 million people nationwide. They have genital herpes.

Herpes, though common, is still a whispered virus. The stigma attached to it by an uneducated public is sometimes more painful than the physical sores that identify it.

Support groups, such as SF HELP--Herpes Education and Liaison Program--and social groups, such as Bay Area Friends, give people a place to go where they can talk openly about the virus. There they can say aloud that they have it and not worry that people will take a step back.

"People with herpes are all around you. Look around and count to four; you just spotted someone with [herpes simplex virus type 2]. Count to two and you just spotted someone with [herpes simplex virus type 1]," says Derek Walker.

Walker works in Sunnyvale and is among 1,200 Bay Area Friends members, a group that gets together for events ranging from ski trips to coffee talks. What brings them together initially is herpes. What keeps them coming back is fun and friendship.

"I have met some of my dearest friends through this group. We are a responsible, friendly, caring group of people who come from all walks of life. We only have one silly thing that brings us together, but once we get here, we see the bonds that develop," says Eileen Boyd, who works in Cupertino.

Bay Area Friends is a volunteer club with no officers and no dues. Members come up with an idea for an event, such as a beach party or a hike, organize the details and post the information to the BAF website. Event costs are paid individually.

Often members who come to events don't know one another, so organizers tell participants to look for a particular object, for example, a stuffed yellow teddy bear that identifies the group.

The stigma associated with herpes still exists, so members say this method is less conspicuous than posting a sign that says: "Herpes group meeting here."

It's a stigma they would like to see disappear.

Occasionally non-members wander by, see the fun going on and try to join in. When that happens, someone from BAF asks the person to leave, saying it's a private party. Typically people understand, apologize and leave.

Once Boyd met with a stickier situation.

A BAF event in San Jose was going well when a black man and an Indian woman wanted to join the fun. They had not pre-registered for the event, which meant they were not members of BAF, so they were asked to leave. The pair accused the group of racism.

Boyd took the pair away from the party and explained that everyone at the party had herpes, and race had nothing to do with their rejection.

Herpes is not a laughing matter, but it's not a life sentence either, members of BAF say.

"It's not the end of the world, and it's not the end of your social life," says Lena Hyland.

Members of BAF face duplicity in discussing the virus. They say the myth that one gets the virus through promiscuity must be eradicated.

Sue Wood, who lives and works in Sunnyvale, was uninfected when she married a man who had herpes. For 10 years of their marriage she was free of the virus before contracting it. She believes she was a victim of asymptomatic shedding. Shedding means that the virus is active on the skin though there may be no visible symptoms.

Severity of symptoms and frequency of outbreaks vary from person to person. For some the first outbreak is the most obvious and most painful, and subsequent outbreaks are mild to unnoticeable. Others face painful sores.

"I was so bummed that I finally got the dreaded 'H' because I knew all of the pain and frustration that my husband had felt all these years. It was bound to happen, I thought, and there was no reason to be upset at him or anybody," she says.

Statistics from organizations such as the Centers for Disease Control show that up to 80 percent of people infected don't know they have herpes.

It cannot be contracted from a toilet seat or shaking hands, but BAF members say they've encountered people who fear that, and that's precisely why they don't tell everyone, especially casual acquaintances or co-workers.

BAF members say they tell people about herpes on a need-to-know-basis.

As Walker puts it: "I don't tell people that I am color-blind unless it is pertinent to the relationship. Nor would I mention my allergies to penicillin unless it is pertinent to the relationship. This is just a medical condition, and I have many."

Hyland agrees.

"I actually feel like people don't need to know," she says. "Why would I care that they know that about me? It's such a small part of me. I'm also a breast cancer survivor, and I don't go around telling people about that."

BAF members also agree that genital herpes is nothing more than an infection, a skin blemish. At the same time, in some rare circumstances, open sores can make one more vulnerable to contracting other viruses. Because of the risks, BAF members preach responsibility, education and prevention. They don't wish the virus on anyone.

They say the worst things are the misconceptions.

Herpes is caused by the herpes simplex virus, of which there are two types. Most oral herpes is caused by herpes simplex virus type 1, which causes cold sores or fever blisters on or around the mouth. Most genital herpes is caused by herpes simplex virus type 2, which causes similar symptoms in the genital area. But a common belief that the two cannot be transferred between the separate regions is a misconception.

Between the 1970s and the 1990s, the number of people with genital herpes increased by 30 percent. People can have the virus and never have symptoms.

With the help of suppressant drugs, many people go years without experiencing an outbreak.

Boyd, who contracted the virus from her ex-husband, is symptom-free. She says they practiced safe sex, and they never had sex when he was having an outbreak. Their divorce and her desire to date prompted her to get tested, though she showed no signs of the disease. The most accurate tests are done by swabbing sores in the affected area, but Boyd had no such symptoms. Boyd had a blood test instead.

Introduced in 1999, blood test accuracy has improved but is still imperfect, and BAF members agree that not many doctors are familiar with the tests. Accuracy rates range from 93 percent to 100 percent, but even past chickenpox infections can throw off results.

Once results come in, emotions come in to play.

Iris Cooper says she was "fairly devastated" when she got the results of her test.

"I recall feeling sorry for myself and [thought] my sex life was over," she says. It wasn't.

Sex is the main reason that people with herpes have "the talk" with a potential sex partner.

"I tell them because it is the responsible thing to do. They need to know the risks and to learn a little about the virus before they decide to get intimate with me. But given the statistics, a person on suppressive therapy is probably safer than the thousands of people out there who have it and don't even know," Boyd says.

For more information on genital herpes, go to American Social Health Association at www.ashastd.org. For more information on Bay Area Friends, go to www.bayareafriends.org.