Los Gatos Weekly-Times

Cats know a patsy when they see one

By Carl Heintze

The world seems divided between those who love cats and those, like me, who can't stand them.
I realize this invites immediate retaliation from the millions of cat lovers worldwide, but, I'm sorry, cats and I just don't get along.

Not that they don't like me. It's the other way around. I don't like them. Introduce me to a cat who has never seen me before, and he or she acts as if we've been friends for life. The cat immediately begins its currying behavior, curling its head, brushing against my foot and meowing. The cat doesn't know that all of these things set my teeth on edge. When I don't pay any attention, it gives me the eye--as only cats can, that unblinking, wide-open, blank stare that tries to level you with a glance.

When I don't respond to that, the cat figures even more intimate contact is required and jumps up in my lap. Bad move, cat.

I pick it up and drop it ungently to the floor. The cat looks at me in what is apparently puzzled surprise and begins to meow again, unaware that I am aware that cats only meow for humans, not for other animals, including cats.

The cat may try me again a couple of times before my outright hostility makes it give up and it slinks away looking for another victim. When I tell others about this, they immediately take the cat's side. For most humans, cats can do no wrong. To them, all cats and kittens are cute, cuddly and lovable.

"How can you act that way?" they ask, often lapsing into baby-talk in what they suppose is a conversation with the cat. The cat is smarter than that. It knows a patsy when it sees one. It sidles up to the new human and begins rubbing its leg. This leads the human to believe the currying behavior is genuine feline love for human beings, but I know better. It is a none-too-subtle way of getting something to eat, the primary concern of all cat relationships with humans.

If you think about it, that's because cats need human beings for food. Unless they can catch a bird or two or find a rare mouse, there is not much around for house cats to eat that doesn't come from table scraps, pet food cans or dry cat-food bags. Even feral cats scrounge human food because they are not very good at finding their own.

In spite of this, cats would have you believe that they are independent, that they can live without us, that they're beholden to no man (or woman, as is more likely the case). Try to teach a cat a trick, try to train a cat, try to get a cat to do anything. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the cat will do what it pleases without reference to any human instruction.

I once tried to get our cat, an aging tabby named Cosby, to go out the front, not the back, door. The back door was farther from my chair and every time Cos wanted to go out (he's an outside cat), I had to get up and walk all the way there. But Cosby didn't want to go out the front door. He wanted to go out the back door, and no amount of yelling on my part ever taught him any different.

So, unlike dogs, cats just do what they please, not what their masters (or mistresses) want them to do. I guess I don't have to tell you that Cosby is still going outside via the back, not the front, door.

Most cat lovers also don't seem to know that the sex lives of cats, while productive (too productive most of the time), is not much fun. They stroke them, murmur endearments in the cat's ears, hug them, lug them, and otherwise exhibit affection as if this somehow both stimulates and satisfies the cat's need for love. Cats don't really seem to love much, though. Cat congress is brief, filled with caterwauling and, so I am told, painful for the female. Most cat stroking and preening is not because cats like the sensual pleasure of it but because that's how they keep clean. Cats' affection for humans, if there is any, is not really for those who think they own them but for what they provide.

But I realize I'm preaching to deaf ears. For centuries, dating at least to Egypt and the pharaohs, cats have enjoyed a unique place in human society and my pitiful complaint is not going to dislodge them. Cat lovers are dedicated, even fanatically dedicated to them as pets, even though, in my opinion, the "pets" are really the ones in control.

I base this, of course, on personal experience. Cosby and I have reached an understanding: his. I do exactly what he wants me to do. He wouldn't have it any other way.

Carl Heintze is a frequent contributor to the Los Gatos Weekly-Times.