Los Gatos Weekly-Times

Photograph by George Sakkestad

Teens at LGHS publish 'Reality Check,' a newsletter of frank discussions about teen issues. Staff members include (clockwise from bottom) Francesca
Doriss (in coveralls), Laura Destro, Seb Bailey, Noona Joseph, Mark Fredrickson, Mikah Elliot, Lauren Goodwin, Keith Busam and Ryan Giordano.

Reality Check

At LGHS, teens engage in frank discussions about hard problems through their student newsletter

By Sandy Sims

The teenage years have always been difficult for both parents and teens. A long time ago Mark Twain even joked about sealing kids in a barrel when they turn 13 and feeding them through a hole. It is during these turbulent years between childhood and adulthood that a person is defining a self, going through major physical changes, becoming aware of the opposite sex, pulling away from parents, becoming independent and defining values.

Teens today go through this stage in a much more dangerous and complicated world than the one teens faced 20 or 30 years ago. A casual sexual encounter risks death from AIDS; attending a party can bring students into contact with drugs. Cars are faster, and alcohol is readily available.

On top of this, teens are maneuvering through a high-tech, high-speed world of instant information and too many activities. They need a stable home and an understanding parent while they roll through this chaotic and confusing time.

But here in Silicon Valley, especially in affluent communities like Los Gatos and Saratoga, teens are running into a major problem. Mom and Dad are caught up in our frenzied, competitive, you-can-do-it-all world of demanding jobs, community activities and physical fitness. Many parents are so stressed out that they don't have energy left over to help their children through these tough years.

"When we call parents to come in and talk about a child on drugs or a child that has some other serious problem, the parents are so overstressed with their frenetic lives that they just don't have time for another problem," says Patricia Hughes, vice principal at Los Gatos High School in charge of curriculum, guidance and counseling. She has seen parents look at a child, point to their watch and say, "Do you know how much work I'm missing?"

"Who said it takes less time to raise a child than it used to?" Hughes asks. She explains that no one actually says that, but our actions show it. "We adults haven't stopped to see what we can handle," Hughes says. She has found that sometimes students actually hide their problems to protect their parents. She's had them say to her, "Please don't tell my parents. They've got so much going on."

It's important for the teens to have a caring adult to talk to, and the school tries to meet this need. "However," Hughes says, "with all the cutbacks in funds, there are fewer caring adults available to serve these kids." To help meet that need, the Teen Counseling Center provides 15 hours of counseling at Los Gatos and Saratoga high schools each week.

Some students are trying to meet this need themselves. Several LGHS students have created a newsletter called Reality Check. This little publication written by and for the students at LGHS presents an open, frank discussions on such issues as divorce, death, depression, alcohol, drugs and eating disorders. Each newsletter deals with one subject. It opens with anonymous writings by students who describe their personal experiences, feelings and ideas related to the subject.

For example, the issue on death includes seven student pieces about the death of a parent or a friend (five parent deaths). These are followed by a section written by licensed marriage, family and child counselor Beckie St. George, who gives helpful information on the subject. Finally, on the back page is a listing of places the teens can go for help.

"We started this newsletter [with the help of adviser Nancy Offer from Community Against Substance Abuse]," explains LGHS senior Lauren Goodwin, "because we knew kids were out there having trouble and not sharing their feelings with anyone. We wanted to let them know they weren't alone."

The response has been incredible. "Students come up all the time and thank us for an issue. They say they thought they were the only one with those feelings," explains Ryan Giordano, LGHS senior and one of the students on the staff of Reality Check. Ryan's father died when he was 9 years old.

"As a group [the Reality Check staff] has experienced many crises," Hughes says. She thinks they have come together to help each other and to reach out to other teens in much the same way as Mothers Against Drunk Driving was borne of a personal crisis.

There's more, though. Reality Check may also be breaking a silence. Even though the pressure to excel academically is enormous at both Los Gatos and Saratoga high schools, Goodwin says, "the algebra test isn't our biggest problem."

The biggest problems for these teens are social and personal. In a letter to "parents" from an anonymous Los Gatos teen, the writer explains that the image of academic success hides a darker side of the teen's life, in which there's alcohol, date rape, eating disorders, depression, loneliness and drugs. The teen calls the parents to task, saying that the parents are in denial about who the teen really is.

"[Our generation] is raising itself and dealing with problems we are not equipped to handle," Goodwin explains.

"What teens need is someone to listen to them without judging them," Giordano adds. "They need to be able to open up without getting into trouble."

Noreen Likins, academic adviser at Saratoga High School, recognizes many of these same issues at her school. "Our kids are from very successful parents," Likins says. "These successful parents are often driven. You don't accomplish great success without being very ambitious and putting in long hours at work." Their children also pick up this drive and actually start competing in kindergarten.

Aside from their seven classes a day at SHS, these students participate in sports, music lessons, clubs and other activities. They care very much how they do in class because they also want to get into the fine colleges. If they play basketball till 10 p.m., they go home afterward and do their homework till 2 or 3 a.m.

"In fact," Likins says, "they joke about not getting any sleep. The ones who do well are the ones who can manage their time."

According to Likins, Asian students make up 40 percent of the SHS population; she says that while these parents are available to their children and give them all the structure and support in the world, they put great stock in measurable success.

Likins has had students in her office worried about their parents' reaction if they got a B. "The pressure is enormous on these kids," she says.

Between overscheduled parents and overscheduled teens, few find the time to sit down and just spend time together or to discuss some of the heavier social problems.

In fact, parents often don't see a social problem, because they believe someone in their family couldn't possibly have "that" problem. There is also the myth that as long as teens do well academically, they must be doing well in all areas.

Alan Javurek, the director of the school-based program at the Teen Counseling Center, says that a lot of young people these days are on antidepressants.

He says that with their fast-paced lifestyles, young people don't have time to process things. In the old days people stopped and talked on the stoop or the porch. "We had time to process things," he recalls. One result of our overscheduled lifestyle is the loss of family rituals such as eating together and going on picnics. "Dinnertime is a time to unload and process information," Javurek says.

Back when families sat down at the dinner table and discussed the day's events, teens knew where their parents stood on issues ranging from local politics to the price of groceries. These days when school counselors ask teens what their families think, the teens say, "I don't know." This leaves it up to teens to form their own values.

Schools are making an effort to deal with these social problems. SHS pays a small stipend to Lynna Taylor as the adviser to Students Taking a New Direction (STAND). This year STAND students created a one-week program about AIDS. They arranged for the AIDS quilt and one of the quilt's founding fathers, Michael Smith, to come to the campus for the opening ceremony.

Not too long ago Saratoga High arranged for Brandon Silvera, a former Los Gatos High School student who suffered a brain injury after a drunk-driving accident, to come and talk to the kids.

Los Gatos and Saratoga high schools both bring in community programs to deal with specific issues. For example, both schools have contracted with the YWCA Teen Empowerment Program to educate students about date rape and dating violence. This program teaches students how to make better choices, to have respect for each other, to set boundaries, to learn to say no before it's too late and to help each other.

The leader also educates the teens with such facts as these: Most people are assaulted by people they know, and usually drugs or alcohol is involved. They show the students what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. They look at the warning signs of an abusive relationship. Jennifer Niklaus, program manager for the YWCA's Primary Prevention Services, says, "Students sometimes leave the room crying because they recognize the signs of abusive behavior in their own families."

Niklaus considers the anonymous question section the most valuable part of the program. The students submit anonymous- questions at the end of the first day, and the leaders address these questions the next day. The discussion is lively, and the students are talking about real problems they face. Some have been date-raped or are in abusive relationships. "The teen can be in an abusive relationship and a parent not even see it because the boyfriend or girlfriend seems like such a wonderful person," Niklaus says. "Parents may not know the signs of an abusive relationship."

Community organizations such as CASA and the Teen Counseling Center are aware that parents can be overwhelmed with the daunting task of raising teens in today's world. "Often parents don't know how to be available to their teens," Niklaus says.

Nicole Bitter and Susan Dunn, both MFCC interns at the Teen Counseling Center, explain that all parents have enormous challenges today. Their families may not be dysfunctional or pathological. They may just need tools to help them with communication and parenting skills. "Parents lose the sense that they are supposed to be in charge," Bitter explains.

Bitter and Dunn, who are both certified family-wellness instructors, conduct a family-wellness series that is presented by the Teen Counseling Center. This program is for the whole family. Children of all ages and their parents attend. They learn how to build trust and how to negotiate with each other. Parents learn how to listen to their teens and find out what the real need is. "Sometimes the shift in behavior isn't very big for either the parent or the kid," says Dunn. "It's much easier to say what we don't want than what we want," Bitter says. "Saying what you want is a step toward help."

Maybe with some help, parents in Silicon Valley can slow down and find out what these teens need from us. Maybe it's just a little quiet time, a walk, a dinner. One of the positives in today's society is that there are resources for parents and teens to get help.

If you are struggling with a problem with your teen, call the Teen Counseling Center for information at 354-7648. The Internet also offers some down-to-earth articles on raising teens at www.parentingteens.com.

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