Trust My Book Club to promote literacy
By Mark W. Mayfield
Hoping to duplicate the phenomenal success of Oprah's Book Club, I proudly present the debut of My Book Club, which is dedicated to promoting literacy in America and collecting generous kickbacks from grateful authors who become rich after my glowing reviews.
When choosing a book for review, My Book Club uses the following guidelines:
Books written by doctors, mathematicians, astronomers, geologists, geneticists, nuclear physicists and paleontologists are disqualified. My Book Club believes that such books contain very big words that are hard to pronounce and understand. Big words frustrate average Americans and cause feelings of vicissitudinary inefficaciousness, tegumental disambiguation and quadrilateral recanalization.
My Book Club will not review any book that isn't available in an inexpensive paperback version at a popular wholesale warehouse that stocks everything from vitamins to vending machines. Furthermore, the book must be displayed within 23 feet of the friendly lady who hands out samples of microwaveable stuffed-crust pizza.
Any book featuring a provocatively attired seductress on its cover will receive special attention from My Book Club, unless My Book Club's wife suddenly appears from behind the lawn-tractor display, in which case he will emit a convincing sigh of disgust; audibly bemoan the abundance of indecency in modern literature; and toss the book aside with a practiced hand gesture that simultaneously expresses revulsion and outrage.
If My Book Club later notices a new religious novel entitled Satan Loves Hypocrites, he will become visibly nervous and deeply regret his interest in the book featuring a provocatively attired seductress on its cover. He will then silently vow to atone for his transgressions by giving a glowing review to that really old Book that people read in church. He will even waive the generous kickback.
Today's glowing review goes to The Testament by unknown author John Grisham. Mr. Grisham is probably a poor, struggling writer living meagerly in a dilapidated house trailer, but My Book Club is about to rescue him from the ravages of poverty. In fact, the soon-to-be wealthy recipient of the following glowing review should start shopping around for fancy cars, expensive clothes, private jets and a bigger house trailer. He should then send a generous kickback to My Book Club.
If I could use only three words to describe this book, they would be "riveting," "suspenseful" and "litigious." If I could use three more words, they would be "rectangular," "thick" and "paperback." And if I couldn't use any words at all, I would enthusiastically grunt while choking on a large sample of stuffed-crust pizza.
In The Testament, a thick, rectangular paperback, Grisham expertly weaves a riveting, suspenseful, litigious tale about the earth's most terrifying creatures: greedy lawyers. The fun begins when an eccentric billionaire shafts his three ex-wives and six worthless kids by leaving his vast fortune to an illegitimate daughter who is a missionary in Brazil.
A lawyer named Nate, who has just successfully completed several grueling months in a fashionable detox facility and is confidently looking forward to a happy, productive life of sobriety, travels to the Brazilian jungle to find the lucky heir, who has no idea that she is a Brazillionaire.
Dangerous jungle reptiles don't bother Nate because they realize he's an accomplished attorney who wouldn't hesitate to slap them with a hefty personal injury lawsuit. However, dangerous disease-carrying mosquitoes, maliciously bite Nate, who soon experiences profuse sweating, high fever and chills.
Coincidentally, My Book Club is also feeling really icky. In fact, I think I'm gonna. ...
Mark W. Mayfield (itsmark@sirius.com) is still waiting for a generous kickback from John Grisham.
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Los Gatos, California Since 1881
