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August 14, 2002
Los Gatos, California Since 1881 |
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You too, can have a happy, long marriage
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Mark Mayfield
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 Today I want to pay tribute to a couple of
very special people who recently celebrated
their 22nd wedding anniversary. A few decades
ago, such an occasion wouldn't be especially
noteworthy, but in today's world, where
divorce is commonplace, 22 years of
uninterrupted marital bliss is a real
achievement. Therefore, I hereby offer
heartfelt congratulations and best wishes to
myself and my very lucky wife, who's enjoyed
the incomparable pleasure of my company for
more than two decades.
I also want to publicly thank those
thoughtful folks who sent us anniversary
cards, most of which were directed to my very
lucky wife. "Happy Anniversary to You and
What's-His-Face," said the touching card from
my adoring mother-in-law. "Your Wifely
Suffering on Earth Will Be Rewarded with a
Golden Throne in Heaven," said another card.
(That one was from my mom. She's a real
comedian.)
Many curious readers are probably asking,
"So, Mark, what's your secret for staying
happily married for 22 years?"
Obviously, I can't fully answer that question
in a short newspaper column, but I can share
three of my favorite marriage tips for
husbands.
1. Always let your wife know that she's the
most beautiful woman in the world. If she
points to a model in a lingerie catalog and
says, "She's pretty, isn't she?" Do not
reply, "Pretty? She's more than just pretty!
She's HOT!! Ooh la-la, baby!" Instead, say,
"She's OK for a mortal, but compared with an
angel like you, she's an eyesore."
2. Frequently tell your wife that she's a
great cook. If she tries a new recipe for
dinner, such as Chewy, Gooey, Cheesy Fish
Loaf, do not gag on your first bite and say,
"That's disgusting! Am I supposed to eat this
or spread it on the lawn?" Instead, say,
"This is delicious, sweetheart, and when I
vomit in the next few seconds, it'll have
nothing to do with this wonderful meal you've
prepared. I'm probably just coming down with
the stomach flu."
3. Pretend to like whatever your wife likes.
This tip is also useful during the dating
process. For example, when my very lucky wife
and I were dating in the late 1970s, her
favorite rock group was Supertramp, which I
despised. However, I pretended to like the
group because I was very interested in
developing a meaningful relationship with my
future very lucky wife. (When I say
"meaningful relationship," what I really mean
is "hot 'n' heavy, smoochy-smoochy lip
action.") To this day, my very lucky wife
doesn't know that I'd rather eat Chewy,
Gooey, Cheesy Fish Loaf than listen to
Supertramp's stupid Breakfast in America
album.
Of course, those are only my tips for staying
happily married. I wish my very lucky wife
were here to provide a woman's perspective on
ensuring a happy, long-lasting marriage,
but—Hey! What a coincidence! My very lucky
wife just walked into my opulent home office.
Honey-pie, would you mind sharing a few of
your thoughts about our 22 years of marital
harmony? (Mark's wife agrees and takes a seat
in front of the computer.)
Hi. I'm Mark's extremely lucky, incredibly
happy wife, who absolutely adores her loving,
funny, intelligent, considerate, sensitive,
talented, selfless, strong, sexy husband.
He's my reason for living. He's the wind
beneath my wings. He's my hero. Anyway, I
have only one suggestion for a building a
happy, long-lasting marriage—Marry a man
exactly like my husband, and treat him like a
king. Do everything for him. Try to fulfill
his every wish and desire. Admit it,
women—we aren't easy to live with. We're
wildly unpredictable and overly emotional. We
get in bad moods for no apparent reason. We
lose our tempers without any provocation. Any
man who can tolerate that kind of abhorrent
behavior deserves royal treatment.
(At this point, Mark's very lucky wife really
walks into his opulent home office and
discovers that her sneaky husband has been
forging her suggestions on building a happy,
long-lasting marriage. As she repeatedly
beats his head with various computer
components, he frantically attempts to finish
the column.)
OK, readers ("Ouch!"), that's all the time I
have for today's column. ("Hey! That keyboard
really hurts!") Next year, I'll have a few
tips on staying happily married for 23 years!
("No, please, sweetheart, not the monitor!")
Mark Mayfield,
markmayfield@mindspring.com, and his very
lucky wife are planning to stay happily
married for another 22 years.
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