 "Say it with flowers." OK, so that's what they tell us. But how the heck do we guys know what we're saying? In the language of love, flowers can be an extremely complex dialect. And we guys have to be very, very careful ... we might say something we could live to regret.
Of course, I do that all the time without even trying. Like:
Me—"Did you do something different with your hair?"
Natalie—"Yeah, two weeks ago! And what do you mean different!?!"
Or:
Me—"That meatloaf was the best you've ever made."
Natalie—"Great ... I'll tell the folks at Boston Market you like it better than mine!"
Or:
Natalie—"Does this dress make me look fat?"
Warning, warning! Men, there is no correct answer to this question ... proceed with extreme caution.
The point is, if we guys can get into that much trouble speaking a language that we're at least supposed to understand, what kind of trouble could we get into saying it with flowers? And with Valentine's Day coming up, it's important for us to be careful.
The California Cut Flower Commission wants to help us out. So they've come out with what they call "Flower Buying Tips for Men." It's a sort of a petal primer for those of us guys who don't know the difference between daffodils and Daffy Duck. But watch out! Even tips from the so-called experts can get you in trouble:
Tip No. 1—"First date: it's a mixed bouquet of soft, romantic and fragrant flowers—freesia, godetia, white roses, anemones and seeded eucalyptus."
Be careful here. Don't start something that's going to get you in trouble later. (Freesia? What the heck is freesia?)
Tip No. 2—"You're special: after six months of dating, send the same type of flowers you gave her on the first date."
See what I told you. There's no way in the world you're going to remember what kind of flowers you gave her six months ago. But you know what ... she will!
Tip No. 3—"A marriage proposal: an all white bouquet of flowers associated with weddings, including some fragrant flowers—gardenia, dendrobium orchids, stephanotis and ivy."
See what I said about those flowers saying something that would get you into trouble?
Tip No. 4—"Anniversary: roses, one for every year of marriage, or have the florist recreate her bridal bouquet"
Like you ever even saw her bridal bouquet! Your eyes were still bleary from the bachelor party the night before! So you go with the roses—perfect on the first anniversary ... one rose is inexpensive, and it's easy to remember. But wait until you spend 100 bucks to get her 18 roses ... on your 19th anniversary. Then you'll be saying ...
Tip No. 5—"I'm sorry: roses, or a big bouquet of her favorite flowers."
You'll be using this one a lot.
Well, guys, I have a few floral tips of my own in this area.
* No matter how well they're packaged, no matter how fresh they may look, never—never ever—buy your sweetheart supermarket flowers on Valentine's Day (and if you do, be sure to remove the "Lucky Means Low Prices" price tag).
"Ooh, real expensive flowers," she'll say. "So what page were these in the February Big Book of Savings?"
"And the fragrance," she'll add. "Umm ... smells just like cauliflower!"
Take it from me ... women don't like supermarket flowers.
* And that goes double (that would be never, never ever, NEVER EVER!) for those roses guys sell out of buckets on the side of the road.
"Happy Valentine's Day, dear," you'll say as you hand over the bouquet.
"Oh, they're, uh, beautiful," she'll say, a little less than enthusiastically. "Thank you so ... hey, why do my roses smell like car exhaust? And this black stuff ... it wouldn't be road film, would it?"
"Uh, no, it must be the pesticide the florist uses," you'll say, adding quickly, "Better get them in water."
"Yeah," she'll say, "maybe I can wash them off!"
See, so it might just be safer to go with the chocolate truffles—flowers talk too much!
Want to talk? Call me at 408.354.3110, ext. 31, or drop me a note at dsparrer@svcn.com.
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