"Nothing's certain but death and taxes." Was it Mark Twain or Will Rogers who said it? Doesn't matter much ... both of those guys could always make good sense out of nonsense.

At any rate, years later the statement is still right on the money. Because while I may not be an expert on death, I do know that I had my taxes done a couple of weeks ago—and it was a killer!

Yeah, it's that time of year to give Uncle Sam his "pound of flesh." But on Monday afternoon I found out that our dear ol' uncle wants more than a pound this year—in fact, he's asking me to lose more pounds than the local Weight Watchers!

Now I usually enjoy the month of April very much ... you know, Easter, the "Final Four," the baseball openers and all.

But just thinking about April 15th can take all of the joy out of a UConn jump shot or an Oakland A's home run.

So taxes just happened to be on my mind last week when the A's opened at home against the Texas Rangers. Earlier that day, my tax person had called to levy the annual bad news. So while Eric Chavez was swinging and Tim Hudson was pitching, I was stewing. I just sat there staring blankly at the TV screen.

"Oh, look at the cute elephant they have in the grass," said Natalie just a little too cheerfully. "Any why do they wear those gold stockings? They should wear green stockings."

"Stirrups," I blurted, with just the trace of a snarl in my voice. "Baseball players wear stirrups, not stockings. And who cares about some stupid elephant?"

Hey, that felt pretty good. Why not vent a little more frustration.

"Anyway, it's not the Oakland Aesthetics, it's the Oakland Athletics," I added. "So who cares what color stockings they wear!"

"Stirrups," she said coldly. "They wear stirrups."

Uh, oh. Now I had more than taxes to worry about.

Thank goodness Eric Byrnes belted that game-winning two-run double late in the game— at least for a brief moment I could ignore my taxes (and Natalie's icy stare) long enough to enjoy a baseball game with my youngest son.

Yeah, my wonderful son. Hey, I was having no problem being pleasant to him—after all, since he's still in college, he's my adorable little tax deduction!

The oldest? Oh, he's too old to claim anymore, so he's not much help come April 15. Doesn't matter much, though, because nothing was going to help this year anyway. Next week is the big day—Tax Day 2004. Still, if I'm going to give them all this money, I think I should get a few questions answered first, don't you? So this year when I send Uncle Sam my check, I plan to send the following list of questions:

* Did George Bush Jr. get to deduct a room in his house as an office ... and if so, can he prove to the IRS that any real work gets done in that Oval Office?

* Do astronauts get to deduct mileage ... and if they do, do they have to document their odometer readings? I'll bet spaceships don't even have odometers!

* Will Barry Bonds' taxes eliminate the national debt? And if the rest of us are expected to pay quarterly, does he have to pay weekly?

* And when John Kerry made his campaign trip to Chicago last week, did he get to write off his meals? It wasn't exactly job-related ... at least, not yet.

Just a few questions that I think should be answered. And if the IRS is looking for me, I'll be easy to find. You can't miss me—I'll be the guy with the tin cup sitting on the corner of Highway 9 and Santa Cruz Avenue.

Want to talk? Call me at 408.354.3110, ext. 31, or drop me a note at dsparrer@svcn.com.