But, otherwise, I consider myself a real turn-of-the-century kind of guy.

"Yeah," says Natalie. "Maybe the 20th century!"

She just has no confidence in me changing with the times. But I'm ready to traverse that bridge into the 21st century. And to prove it, I'm willing to stay home from work for a day and telecommute.

Now, it's not that I just want to stay home on a workday instead of going to the office. I'm thinking about my productivity ... I'm thinking about my effect on the environment ... (I'm thinking I won't have to shave!).

So Friday I decided to give it a try. Thanks to the wonders of technology, I could work at home and never miss a beat. I could remain in contact with the office by phone. I could access my work through the computer network. And I could do it all without ever putting on my pants! What a life ... uh, I mean, what an asset I could be to my company.

Ah, yes, it was a very productive day. It went something like this:

7 a.m.—Wake up to Jim Lange's chipper voice on the KABL morning radio show.

7:01 a.m.—Silence Lange by slamming the snooze button on the clock radio.

7:10 a.m.—Wake up again because that Lange guy won't shut up.

7:11 a.m.—Reset the clock radio and change stations.

8:35 a.m.—Wake up to answer the phone.

"Uh, um, hello?" I whisper.

"Good morning!" blasts the voice on the other end of the phone.

"Who's this?" I ask.

"This is Jeannie from the office calling with your phone messages," she says. "You're up working, aren't you? Weren't you working from home today?"

"Oh, um, yeah," I stutter, scrambling for a pencil and a scrap of paper from the nightstand. "Uh, what are my messages?"

"Well, you don't have any," she replies. "Just wanted to let you know. Bye-bye."

8:40 a.m.—Static blares from the clock radio that was on no station in particular.

8:41 a.m.—Walk right past the shower, past the computer, straight to the coffee pot. Pour a cup of coffee and start to write a list of the important things to be done during the day.

8:42 a.m.—Put down my pencil to drink my coffee and read the morning newspaper.

9:10 a.m.—Turn on the computer and read email. Answer all of the personal letters.

9:20 a.m.—Head downstairs for a second cup of coffee. Turn on the television to discover a Western on the classic movie channel.

9:45 a.m.—Doze off on the couch.

11 a.m.—Wake up to see the good guy riding off into the sunset.

11:05 a.m.—Get busy on the telephone. Call a couple of friends to talk about the A's.

11:55 a.m.—Settle down to do some serious work.

Noon— Oops, lunchtime!

12:15 p.m.—Eat lunch in front of the TV and find a Tony Curtis/Janet Leigh movie.

12:30 p.m.—Finish lunch, but may as well see how the movie turns out.

12:45 p.m.—Doze off on the couch.

1:45 p.m.—Wake up to see the hero (Tony) get the girl (Janet).

1:55 p.m.—OK, now it's time to get some serious work done. Settle down in front of the computer and ... hey, I never knew there were any games in this thing!

2:30 p.m.—Lose 14th straight game of computer solitaire. Go get a soft drink.

2:35 p.m.—Go out to get the mail and run into a neighbor who is home "sick" for the day. Discuss our common crabgrass problem.

2:55 p.m.—Start back inside ... but those azaleas sure could use a little water.

3:10 p.m.—Go back inside, grab my glass of root beer and head up ... hey, is that a Tom and Jerry cartoon?

3:13 p.m.—Phone rings. "Hello?"

"Hi," says a familiar voice on the other end of the line. "How's everything going?" It's Tiffani from the office.

"Oh, just great!" I say enthusiastically. "This telecommuting business is terrific. I can't tell you how much I'm getting done."

"Is that a Tom and Jerry cartoon I hear?" she asks.

"Uh, no," I stammer.

She fills me in on the goings-on at the office and we make some important strategic decisions for Monday.

"OK, then," she says, "now you're bringing in the bagels and I'll pick up the cream cheese ... are you sure that isn't a cartoon I hear?"

"Beep!" I chirp into the phone. "Oh, that's my call waiting ... gotta run. See ya Monday!"

3:32 p.m.—Ignore the Roadrunner cartoon now on TV (even though that coyote cracks me up), but check the TV Guide to see when the baseball game will be on in the evening.

4:10 p.m.—Head back upstairs after completing the TV Guide crossword puzzle (all except for 36 down).

4:12 p.m.—Settle back into my desk chair ... but hear a noise in the garage and decide to go downstairs to investigate.

4:50 p.m.—Go back inside after reorganizing my workbench and examining all of the contents of a box marked "Memorabilia." Now settle down to get some work done!

5 p.m.—Well, looks like quitting time.

Want to talk? Call me at 408.354.3110, ext. 31, or drop me a note at dsparrer@svcn.com.