 If a man's home is his castle, then why is the woman always nagging him for leaving the drawbridge up? She just doesn't understand that it makes life so much easier.
"And that throne of yours is just a mess ... don't you ever clean it?"
It's funny, but men and women seem to have very different ideas about what's clean and what isn't. For example, if there are no visible dried food particles stuck to a dish, then a man considers it to be pretty clean (the one exception being a dish just licked clean by the family pet). The woman, on the other hand, will wash a glass that she just took out of the cupboard just because it's a little dusty.
At least, that's the way things are around our house these days. My new wife and I both like the house to be clean, but we seem to have different standards of cleanliness. So, we perform our varieties of household chores in very different ways.
Take the simple task of making the bed, for example.
The woman's idea of making the bed is to pull the bottom sheet tight, tuck the top sheet and blankets securely between the mattress and box spring, then pull the bedspread or comforter neatly up to or over the pillows ... gently smoothing out any wrinkles that remain, fluffing the pillows, then finally placing two or three color-coordinated decorative throw-pillows as a sort of garnishment to the neat package.
The man? He gets up, grabs the sheets and blankets in one hand, and in one continuous motion throws them toward the headboard. If they come at all close to the pillow, the bed is made!
His theory? Who is ever going to see that bed during the day?
"Well, you just never know," she'll say. "We want it to look nice ... just in case."
Oh, right ... I guess you just never know when a cat burglar will break into your home, and we certainly don't want him to get the idea that we live like slobs as he rifles through the jewelry box!
But making the bed is just part of it:
* CLEANING THE KITCHEN
The woman—She'll wash all of the dishes and put them away, she'll clear the counter and wipe it down, she'll wash the floor, clean the appliances, and squirt some scented fragrance to cover up any lingering odors.
The man—He'll slide everything off the counter and pile it into the sink ... glasses, dishes, pans, the days' mail. Job's done—kitchen looks great.
* CLEANING THE FAMILY ROOM
The woman—She'll vacuum, dust, polish the tables, clean the blinds, straighten up the magazines so that the Time and Newsweek cover up the People and Cosmo.
The man—He'll wipe down the TV screen, clean all debris off the couch by pushing it to the floor, and clear off enough room on the coffee table for a bowl of pretzels and a bottle of beer.
* CLEANING THE LIVING ROOM
The woman—She'll vacuum, dust, polish the tables, clean the curtains.
The man—Who cares? No one ever goes in there, anyway!
* CLEANING THE BATHROOM
The woman—She'll wash out the sink, wipe down the counter, wash the mirror, scrub all of the disgusting porcelain objects, spray Lysol.
The man—Uh ... I don't think so!
* WASHING THE WINDOWS
The woman—She'll soak the glass with an ammonia-based solution, then either squeegee or wipe in a downward motion with paper towels or newspaper. She'll repeat the process until all of the windows in the house sparkle with no taletell streaks.
The man—As long as a single ray of light can still penetrate and you can roughly make out images outside, what's the purpose? And after that, the hose works just fine.
* CLEANING THE CARPETS
The woman—She'll rent one of those carpet steamers at the Lucky store, and she'll push and tug on the thing until every inch of the carpet is soaked and smells a lot like a wet beagle.
The man—He'll get out his checkbook and call in a professional.
Actually, that's about the only time we agree on how best to handle the house-cleaning chores—when I offer to pull out my wallet to pay for such a service.
When I mentioned the possibility the other day, she was surfing the yellow pages faster than you could say "Lysol Basin, Tub and Tile Cleaner."
"Hey, here's one I think you might like," she said with a certain glee in her voice I'm not sure I've ever heard before. "They're called Royal Maids, and their slogan is 'We'll make your castle shine!' "
Hmmm, I kinda like the way that sounds. I wonder if they do thrones?
Want to talk? Call me at 408.354.3110, ext. 31, or drop me a note at dsparrer@svcn.com.
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