Commentary
Abolish curly fries to save our children!
By Mark W. Mayfield
'Would you like some green ketchup with your order?" asked the girl at the drive-thru window. The question was directed at my son, an impressionable 12-year-old who jumped at the opportunity to garnish his meal with such an unconventional condiment.
Like a drug dealer who had just hooked another innocent youngster, the girl smiled slyly as she dumped a handful of little green packets into the bag. She knew that my son would visit her again, but next time, he'll want something besides artificially colored ketchup. Next time, he'll want something with a little more "kick." My unsuspecting boy didn't realize that his green ketchup was actually a "gateway condiment," a substance that leads to more dangerous foods, including (dramatic pause) curly fries.
If you're an American parent who hasn't encountered curly fries, please pay attention, because this radical potato product has the potential to destroy America's young people. Think about it. The word "curly" reeks of nonconformity. After all, a curl is a deviation from a straight line. Think of our kids as straight lines. Do we really want them to curl? Of course not! Curly fries send our children a subliminal message that says, "Hey, kids, it's cool to deviate. It's cool to disobey your parents, to burn the American flag, to download Internet porn, to disrespect your elders, to steal cars, to ditch school, to run with scissors and to kick puppies. It's cool to be curly."
I was recently involved in a shocking incident during a visit to a popular fast-food restaurant, where a well-intentioned father allowed his two children to experience their first curly fries. The results were terrifying. After a few bites, the children changed dramatically. The man's daughter, a seemingly wholesome, well-behaved girl, suddenly said, "Dad, I really hate you and mom, and I want to dedicate my life to Satan." The man's son, a seemingly clean-cut, all-American boy, said, "I wish I were a hippie in the 1960s, when so many cool drugs were around." I sprang into action, tackling the kids and stuffing their mouths with handfuls of old-fashioned straight French fries, which immediately neutralized the curly fries. It was a horrific scene.
(Parenthetical note for the editor--I hope you don't mind, but I slightly embellished the preceding horrific scene to make it more compelling. The "well-intentioned father" was actually a female restaurant employee who was cleaning the all-you-can-drink soda bar. The "wholesome, well-behaved girl" was actually an overweight bus driver who had just finished his third double cheeseburger. The "clean-cut, all-American boy" was actually a middle-aged man with a bad case of smoker's cough. And the "elderly man at a nearby table" was actually a plastic napkin dispenser by the cash register.
If concerned American parents don't do something to stop the rapid spread of curly fries, our country is doomed. Emboldened by parental apathy, powerful fast-food cartels and their willing accomplices in the liberal media will brazenly promote a variety of radical new foods, including curly hot dogs, curly tacos, curly hamburgers and curly pizza. Curliness will quickly permeate our society. Curly girls and boys will grow up and become curly teachers, curly politicians, curly ministers and curly construction workers, who will raise their own curly children, and the vicious curly circle will continue until our once-great nation is full of anti-establishment curly scumbags who will offer no resistance when China decides it's finally time to get even with us for that spy plane incident.
Mark W. Mayfield (markmayfield@mindspring.com) is also worried about other unconventional foods, including chicken nuggets and deep-fried mozzarella sticks.
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Saratoga, California Since 1955
