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Dietary lies contradict all logic
By Mark W. Mayfield
Every year at this time, while most Americans are eagerly anticipating that wonderful feeling of lethargy that follows a delicious holiday feast, dishonest dietitians appear on TV to remind us to "eat sensibly."
I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of hearing these whiners telling us what to eat, when to eat, and how to eat. I've had enough of their constant complaining about America's "unhealthy eating habits." Don't be fooled by these impostors. They are not really concerned with your health. They are actually enemies of freedom who want to take away your God-given right to enjoy the holiday foods of your choice.
Today I will bravely expose several of their outrageous lies.
Dangerous Dietary Lie No.1: An empty stomach is only about the size of a man's fist, so don't overfill it.
Mark's Dietary Truth No.1: Empty stomachs come in all shapes and sizes. Many are about the size of a man's foot. Some are about the size of a man's neck. Others are about the size of a man's torso. And a few are about the size of a man's minivan. (My own empty stomach is about the size of a fat man's badly swollen thigh.)
Dangerous Dietary Lie No. 2: You should eat until you're satisfied, not until you're stuffed.
Mark's Dietary Truth No. 2: If we're not supposed to stuff ourselves, why were we born with big appetites and expandable stomachs? Why aren't our stomachs made out of a rigid material like concrete or fiberglass? The answer is obvious. We have expandable stomachs so we can eat lots of delicious food.
Big meals require a stomach that can stretch to the size of a three-car garage. Imagine how difficult it would be to enjoy a traditional holiday feast without a stomach that can simultaneously contain several large slices of meat, four hefty dinner rolls with butter, a pound of mashed potatoes with gravy, two bowls of Mom's famous fruit salad (the kind with those little marshmallows) and a generous slab of pie with whipped cream.
Dietary Lie No. 3: A serving of meat for an adult should be about the size of a deck of cards.
Mark's Dietary Truth No. 3: My family has a small cat named Lucy, whose empty stomach would be about the size of a cat's fist--if cats had fists. After a hard day of hunting rodents, harassing neighborhood dogs and pooping in my flowerbeds, Lucy eagerly devours a portion of meat that's about the size of the aforementioned "deck of cards." But despite consuming a portion of meat recommended for much larger carnivores, Lucy is trim and athletic, and her cholesterol levels are perfect.
Obviously, a full-size man like me needs more meat than a cat does. After all, I'm a very active guy who frequently engages in strenuous, calorie-burning activities, such as washing my windshield at the gas station, carrying heavy boxes of pizza from my car to the kitchen table and angrily stomping my feet on the ground when I discover that Lucy has been in the flowerbeds again. Therefore, my serving of meat should be about the size of a small desktop computer.
Dangerous Dietary Lie No. 4: Chewing slowly improves digestion and reduces the urge to overeat.
Mark's Dietary Truth No. 4: Chewing slowly does nothing more than give your teenage son extra time to greedily grab the last piece of pie, which legally belongs to the head of the house. Always operate your teeth as quickly as possible, striving for a PCR (Pie Consumption Rate) of at least one slice per minute. And don't worry about your son. He'll get plenty of last pieces when he's a dad.
Now that I've successfully exposed those dangerous dietary lies, I think I'll burn a few calories by moving several heavy donuts from their box to my mouth.
Mark W. Mayfield (markmayfield@mindspring.com) realizes that this column may offend dishonest dietitians, but he couldn't care less.
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Sunnyvale, California Since 1994
