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She comes in changing colors
By Deborah Taylor-Hollis
I envy the colorblind. I am sure it is not politically correct to want to become a member of a male-dominated subgroup that mismatches its sox, mistakes traffic signals and finds Christmastime to be the equivalent of television prior to 1960. But lately I have had one problem after another with colors, and am beginning to wish they would just fade away.
My most recent run-in, the one with the most longevity, is an uphill fight with my makeup. For almost 20 years now, I have had a telephone argument with the people at Revlon every two years or so. That is because, every two years or so, Revlon introduces new colors, tints, shades and hues. And every two years or so Revlon makes me hate them.
I wear a liquid foundation in the mid-peach/beige range. Currently, I am buying "103 Cool." I was buying "Honey" until last month when I went in to get another bottle and found the new labeling and names. I had gone in and asked for Revlon Ultima II line, Smoothing Face makeup foundation type, color "Honey." The perplexed young thing behind the counter looked as if I had asked for her appendix.
"I'm sorry--we don't have that. Do you know what it looks like?" she innocently asks. I, seasoned veteran of a thousand wars, have brought the empty bottle. "Oh--they must have discontinued that," she tells me. Well, of COURSE they have--I am here to buy more.
This is where it gets interesting. I ask her, "What's the new equivalent color?" And I can predict that she will tell me she has no clue. I must try on EVERY new bottle, from 100 cool through 120 slightly-warmer-than-you-thought-possible-in-a-bottle. And then, if I am lucky, my eyes are very sharp and the lighting in the store is better than morgue-like, I will be able to "match" my face to the new bottles.
For you men, this would be akin to painting your house and then needing to do some minor "touch-ups" every year, only to find Sherwin Williams has changed the name of EVERY COLOR in the whole darned chart. They also put ALL the paint into different sized cans with different labels and fired your favorite sales guy. You would be forced to bring in chips off the back of the garage and try to match them up with that flat, slightly shiny sample color chart on the wall--the one under the brilliant indoor lights that do not represent how anything looks on a bright May morning.
Now you men may say, "Well hey, if you LIKE that makeup color, why not stock up on it forever?" Well, two reasons. First, face makeup, like condiments, may survive months, even a couple of years in the jar. It will eventually go just as bad as the mustard that gets all crusty around the edge and starts to slowly separate into the oily top part and the heavy, deep yellow smelly stuff. Only, mustard goes bad with dignity compared to foundation.
Secondly, the average can of paint runs about $30 a gallon for the good stuff, while the average jar of foundation is $20 for 1.1 fluid ounces. Now, that 1.1 ounces will probably last three to six months depending on just how much you need to trowel on to hide three children, one Caesarean, four cats, parents visiting from Miami, backed-up sewer lines and a husband who thinks that a paunch on you is a problem but his is just "manly." But no matter how lightly used, that 1.1 ounces will not last forever. And eventually you will have to go back into that department store, look that sweet young new clerk in the eye and ask for a product she has never heard of.
My grandmother used to ask for things like this when I was a child and I always thought she was so out of date. Dress shields come to mind, or plain cotton gloves. Ask for these kinds of "we no longer carry" items, and you will be instantly transported forward in time to your own funeral. You will almost feel like you are wearing support hose--bagging support hose.
All this could be easily rectified with a color wheel--a simple little piece of paper the cosmetics people could put out showing the "old" makeup names and, next to them, their "new" equivalents. They would offer "suggested substitutions" for all us previous customers, whom they claim are so important but they ignore. They could just put the OLD name right under the new name in parentheses, as when South African countries change dictators and Rand McNally prints up new maps.
Anything, even being colorblind, would be better than standing at the counter with 20 open bottles in front of me, making little daubs on my cheeks under the fluorescent lights while a twentysomething smiles and tells me my knees are bagging.
Readers can contact Deborah at DTHollis@metronews.com.
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Willow Glen, California Since 1992
